Children may struggle with social skills because of their anxiety. For example, they may be very quiet or keep their answers short during conversations due to fears of others judging them. If they show this anxiety on their face, others may perceive it as unfriendly, making it hard to even start a social interaction. Having good social skills can offer a framework for how to act in social situations, so identifying and teaching basic social skills can give your child the boost they need to start taking on their social fears.
Before explaining how to use social coaching with your child, we are going to review some of the relevant skills described by Dr. Ronald Rapee and his colleagues in the book, “Helping Your Anxious Child.” These include skills related to: 1) body language, 2) conversation, 3) friendship, and 4) assertiveness.
Body Language
- Eye contact: Making eye contact with another person while talking with them conveys that the person is interested and paying attention.
- Facial expressions: Facial expressions should match the tone and mood of the topic being discussed. For example, people respond best when their conversation partner smiles when they describe something happy or funny. Children who often have bored or angry facial expressions might be seen as unfriendly.
Conversation Skills
- Starting conversations: Saying “hi” in a clear, audible way is a great way to start a conversation. Making introductions is also helpful for teenagers. You can also help your child think of introductory questions or statements they can ask that are related to what is going on in the social situation. For example, if joining a group of other children at the park, they might say, “Hi, what are you guys playing?” Or, if your child wants to talk to someone who is in the same class, they can ask something along the lines of “Hey, have you done the homework yet?”
- Holding conversations: When having conversations, it is important to 1) answer questions while making sure not to say too much or too little, 2) ask questions (especially about what their conversation partner might be interested in), and 3) take turns in a conversation, or having a conversation where both people get to talk about the same amount.
- Topics of conversation: Some children only want to talk about their focused interests. Encourage them to pay attention to what their conversation partner is saying and follow up on that.
Friendship Skills
- Offering help or items: Providing help on something like a homework assignment or giving gifts at appropriate times like birthdays are great ways to show someone you appreciate them and would like to be their friend.
- Invitations: Inviting others to spend time together or engage in activities together is another great way to build friendships.
- Asking to join in: Many children may be nervous about asking to join into peers’ activities due to fears of being rejected. This is a great way to face that fear, and when they find the right peers, they might have a lot of fun!
- Give compliments: People often love hearing compliments. If your child likes something a friend does or thinks they are good at something, remind them it is a nice thing to tell them!
- Express empathy: Showing care to others is an important part of friendship. If someone is hurt or expresses feeling angry or some other strong emotion, you may consider practicing asking their friend what is wrong and offering to help.
Assertiveness Skills
Being assertive means standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others. It is the happy balance between being passive and being aggressive. Children with social anxiety usually fall further on the “passive” side. At other times, anxious children can be aggressive when they feel threatened (the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response). When children are assertive, people will pay attention to them, which can be very scary if they have social anxiety. For this reason, practicing assertiveness skills can be one of the toughest exposures for children who struggle with social anxiety because it challenges them to stand up for themselves and test out whether they will be judged by others.
- Asking for help: Children with social anxiety are often the last ones to ask for help from a teacher, friend, or other trusted adult. If your child struggles to ask for help, this is often a great skill to begin practicing at school with a teacher (for example, help with a homework assignment).
- Standing up for yourself: This is one of the most difficult social skills for many people. Sometimes children (and adults) will not be treated fairly by others. Being assertive in these situations means 1) describing how you feel, and 2) stating calmly what you would like to happen. When practicing this skill, make sure your child maintains a tone of respect, as it is easy to become aggressive when standing up for yourself (talking too loudly or expressing anger), which is unlikely to help solve their problems. One script we teach related to standing up for yourself involves “I feel” statements, which go like this:
- “I feel _______ when _______. I would like it if _______.” For example, if a child is getting left out of a game, they might say “I feel bummed out when you don’t let me play with you guys. I would like it if you gave me a turn.”
- Saying no: Children should learn to say “no” when they do not want to do something. If your child is doing unreasonable things for others (for example, doing someone else’s homework or letting them cheat off of their assignment), it would be important to practice saying “no.” It may also be helpful to practice how to politely decline peers’ requests to play or help in certain situations.
- Dealing with teasing or bullying: Teasing is something almost all children deal with. Because this is such a common part of childhood, all children need to find ways to cope with being teased every once in a while. Figuring out a couple lines your child can always go to (for example, “Wow, this is so boring to talk about”) can help prepare them to respond in these situations. If your child is always being teased or bullied, however, it is important to get your school or other supervising adults involved to make sure there are consequences for the bullies.