Now, let’s talk some more about the second thinking error of consequences, or overestimating how bad it will be if something bad does happen. To challenge this thinking error, your child will need to experience feared outcomes in manageable ways. Doing so will allow them to build resilience and teach them that they are able to handle it when something goes wrong.
For example, Sophia is scared of answering questions in class. She is afraid that she might say something wrong or be laughed at by her classmates. One day, Sophia decides to challenge her expectations by raising her hand to answer her teacher’s question. She ends up giving the wrong answer, which is something she was afraid of! This makes Sophia very anxious at first and she does get a little embarrassed. But through this experience, Sophia learns that she can handle embarrassment, and that answering a question wrong is not as terrible as she thought it would be.
Similarly, you might have a child that is afraid of going outside because they are scared of encountering bugs. They may be afraid that an ant will bite them, a bee will sting them, or that they will be so upset by the bug that they will not be able to handle it. But if your child goes outside and does end up encountering bugs, this will give them an opportunity to manage their reaction and learn that they actually are able to handle their feared outcome. Even if they are bitten, chances are they will still be okay.
In short, your child will be okay if they end up experiencing something that they were afraid would happen. In fact, these experiences can help them learn that they are capable of handling both good and bad outcomes. They will also become better at dealing with uncertainty.
It is impossible for us to always be certain about things. Outcomes can be good, bad, or somewhere in between and life does not always give us enough clues for us to be certain about the future. Additionally, we all live with some level of risk. Every time you drive a car or cross the street, you are taking a (very minor) risk. If your child can learn to handle things going “wrong” during an exposure activity, it will be much easier for them to handle it when something goes wrong in their life.
Exposure activities in which there is a real chance of a feared outcome happening can be very scary, so make sure that your child feels motivated and supported when they complete these challenging activities.
Self-Reflection
While it is important to help your child reflect on their experiences, it is also important for you to reflect on how an exposure activity went. This will help you determine what is working for your child, what might need adjusting, and assess the progress you and your child are making.
Think about these reflection question after an exposure activity practice:
- What successes or challenges did you observe?
- What new insights have you gained about your child’s “thinking errors”?
- What assumptions did your child make about their feared outcomes? What actually happened?
- Did this exposure activity challenge your child’s “thinking errors”? How so?
- What strategies did you use to encourage your child in the process? Did they work well?
- Is there anything you would do differently next time? If so, what and how?
Supporting your child through this process can be emotionally intense. As a parent, watching your child face their fears takes tremendous courage – it's natural to feel a mix of emotions, from pride in their progress, to worry about their distress. Remember that your feelings matter too, and taking care of yourself will be an essential part of effectively supporting your child. You are already doing a great job by getting this far, so keep it up!