All the way back in Module 1, we touched briefly on meltdowns and explained how they are not the same thing as bad or manipulative behavior. However, meltdowns can sometimes look or seem like bad behavior to those who do not understand them. For instance, meltdowns can include behaviors such as yelling, crying, screaming, throwing things, cursing, or even self-harm behaviors like hitting yourself. All these behaviors are certainly destructive, but the difference is that they are not intentional and do not serve any goal or purpose for the autistic person.
As a reminder, meltdowns are involuntary expressions of intense distress. It’s important to remember that meltdowns are not a choice. They are usually caused by periods of overstimulation from sensitivities or emotional overwhelm. Once a person reaches this level of overwhelm and overstimulation, they have very little ability to calm themselves down and they may have a hard time functioning overall.
If you do not experience meltdowns, then it can be hard to understand how these behaviors are involuntary or unintentional.
On the other hand, bad or oppositional behaviors are intentional behaviors that are chosen to be acted out. They can be responses to frustration, rules, or demands. While oppositional behaviors can stem from heavy emotions just like meltdowns can, they differ because they are goal directed- meaning they are attempts to assert control or avoid an unwanted task. This can look like refusing to follow instructions, arguing, intentionally ignoring someone, or displaying verbal or physical aggression.
While these behaviors can be difficult to manage, they are a normal part of adolescence, as it is natural to try and assert your autonomy at this age.
To address oppositional behaviors, it’s important to understand what is triggering their resistance. Is your teen struggling with a sudden change in routine? Are they feeling misunderstood or unheard? Do they find the demand confusing or overwhelming? Identifying the root cause can help guide a supportive approach. Here are some other strategies that can help:
- Validate their emotions: Acknowledge their anxiety, frustration, or distress without reinforcing avoidance or quick fixes. Use empathetic statements like “I know this feels really hard right now, but I believe you can do it”. Try to help your teen feel heard, supported, and respected, while still encouraging them to engage with whatever is challenging them.
- Provide Predictability and Control: Let your child know what to expect each week in advance when it comes to completing LUNA tasks. Also, clearly communicate what will be expected of them. Allow them to have some control and agency over what they do in LUNA when possible.
- Use Visual Supports: Visual schedules, checklists, and progress trackers can help make expectations clear and can help with executive functioning. Visual supports can reduce resistance by giving your child a concrete and understandable guide for what needs to be done. This can greatly reduce overwhelm.
- Keep Activities Manageable: If your teen is refusing to engage in a task, consider whether it is too difficult. Breaking it into smaller, more achievable steps can help them feel more capable and willing to try it out. Also, consider whether your teen has other things going on in their life that could be making them feel too burnt out or overwhelmed to engage in the challenge at hand.
- Reinforce Effort, Not Just Success: Praise and acknowledge their attempts at difficult tasks, even if they are not entirely successful or completed all the way. Highlight their progress rather than focusing on setbacks or on what they haven’t accomplished yet. Try to encourage perseverance and communicate confidence in their ability to do hard things.
Unlike meltdowns, which require immediate de-escalation and emotional support, oppositional behaviors are best addressed through consistent structure, predictable routines, communication, and collaborative problem-solving. When you can distinguish meltdowns from oppositional behaviors, you can then respond in ways that best support your child’s emotional needs.