ASTRO: Social Skills

Before explaining more about social coaching, let’s review some social skills described by Dr. Ronald Rapee and his colleagues in the book, “Helping Your Anxious Child.” These include skills related to: 1) body language, 2) conversations, 3) friendship, and 4) assertiveness. Your child will also be reviewing these skills in their own module. 

Body Language

View a PDF version of body language skills or read the information below. 

Eye contact: 

  • Making eye contact while having a conversation with someone shows the other person that you are interested in what they are saying and paying attention.
  • If this is uncomfortable for you, or if it distracts you from the conversation, then don’t worry about trying to make perfect eye contact.
  • If you look at the bridge of someone’s nose, between their eyes, it will seem like you are making eye contact. You can use this trick if you want, but remember that eye contact isn't required to be social. 

Facial Expressions: 

  • It can be helpful for your facial expressions to match the tone and mood of the topic being discussed. If someone is describing something happy or funny, you can smile to match their mood and to show them that you are invested in the conversation.
  • People respond best when the person they are talking to reflects back the same emotions that they are expressing. Also, people who often have a bored or angry facial expression might be seen as unfriendly to others.

Important note: Some of these social skills may not come naturally to you, and that’s okay! Even if you do not end up using the body language skills we mention here, it can still be helpful to know what your body language might be communicating to others. 

Conversation Skills 

View a PDF version of conversation skills or read the information below. 

Starting Conversations: 

  • Saying hello and introducing yourself to someone is a great way to start a conversation. It
    can also be helpful to make a comment about something that is happening around you or about something in your current surroundings.
  • If you notice a classmate with a nice shirt or a cool phone case, you can complement them; “Hey, I really like your shirt”
  • If you would like to talk to someone in your class, you could ask them, “Hey, what did you think about the homework last night?”

Holding Conversations: 

  • When answering questions, it’s good to give answers that have some details. That way, your conversation partner has something to respond to. But if your answer has too many details, and you are talking for a long time, your conversation partner may find it harder to respond to you.
  • If you realize that you have been talking a lot more than your conversation partner, you may want to pause and give them space to respond.
  • It’s helpful to ask people questions about themselves or about things they might be interested in. If you share something about yourself, try asking others a similar question. If you tell someone about your dog, you might want to ask them if they have any pets.

Conversation tips: View as a PDF 

  • It can be hard to know someone’s comfort level with certain topics. If people start to turn their bodies away from you, avoid looking at your face, or look down, that might be a sign that they aren’t comfortable with the topic you have chosen. Try a topic that is more common!
  • It can be hard to figure out when to jump into a group conversation. Wait for a pause, when others are not talking, and don’t be afraid to listen until you have something to say. If the group is talking about a specific topic, try not to stray too far from that topic.
  • If someone is talking about a topic they like, you may want to make comments or ask questions about that topic.
  • Sarcasm can seem like a foreign language that everyone speaks except for you, but you can learn to understand it more. Try watching TV shows that have a laugh track and notice their tone when you hear it. If you don’t understand the joke, the character might be using sarcasm. 

Friendship Skills 

View a PDF version of friendship skills or read the information below. 

  • Offering help/giving to others: Helping someone out or sharing something with them are both great ways to show someone you appreciate them. These are also great ways to become friends with others. You could help your classmate with a homework assignment, give someone a gift on their birthday, or offer a classmate a snack when they are hungry.
  • Invitations: Inviting others to spend time with you or do an activity with you is another great way to build friendships.
  • Asking to join in: It may be scary but asking your peers if you can join in on a conversation or an activity may be a great way to make friends. This is hard due to the fear of being rejected. Being rejected by others can hurt, but you are strong enough to handle it. Asking to join in is a great way to face this fear while also giving you an opportunity to connect with others.
  • Show empathy: Showing care to others is an important part of friendship. If someone is hurt or expresses that they are angry or sad, you may consider asking them what’s wrong and offering to help.
  • Give compliments: People often love hearing compliments. If you think someone is nice or funny, let them know! If you have a friend who is good at drawing, tell them you like their art. 

Assertiveness Skills 

Being assertive means standing up for yourself while remaining respectful of others. It is the balance between being passive and being aggressive. The best way to communicate assertively is to be clear, direct, and respectful.

It might be difficult for someone with social anxiety to be assertive. When you are assertive, people pay attention to you, which can be scary for those with social fears. Because of this, people with social anxiety are usually too passive. Sometimes, anxiety may cause people to be too aggressive when they feel threatened (this is the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response). Practicing assertiveness skills can be hard because they challenge your child to stand up for themselves while facing certain fears (like the fear of others judging them). Because of this, assertiveness skills can be one of the toughest exposures for children who struggle with social anxiety.

View a PDF version of assertiveness skills or read the information below. 

  • Asking for help: People with social anxiety are often the last ones to ask for help from a teacher, friend, or other trusted adult. If you struggle to ask for help, it may be good to start practicing at school with a teacher (for example, help with a homework assignment).
  • Standing up for yourself: When someone is unfair or disrespectful to you, being assertive is the best way to stand up for yourself. To do this, you need to...
    1) describe how you feel
    2) clearly and calmly state what you would like to happen
    • When practicing this skill, make sure you remain respectful since it’s easy to become rude when standing up for yourself.
    • One way to do this is to use “I feel” statements: “I feel _______ when _______. I would like it if _______.”
    • Example: “I feel upset when you make jokes about the kind of music I like. I would like it if you would stop making those jokes.”
  • Saying no: Being able to say “no” when you do not want to do something is an important skill to have. If someone asks you to do something unreasonable, like complete an assignment for them, or if someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to be able to say no to them.
  • Dealing with teasing or bullying: Teasing is something that almost all teenagers deal with, so it can be helpful to find ways to cope with being teased or picked on. You might try coming up with a few sentences you can respond with to prepare yourself for these situations.
    • If peers are making fun of something about you, you could respond with “Wow, this is so boring to talk about”. You could also simply ignore them if you don’t feel like responding.
    • If you are always being teased or bullied, it may be helpful to get your school or other adults involved. Remember, it’s good to practice asking for help, especially if you are dealing with bullies. 

Handling Bullying

Everyone deserves kindness and respect, but sometimes people treat others unfairly. Your child may have experienced bullying throughout their life, and maybe they felt helpless when it happened. Thankfully, there are ways you and your child can handle bullying if it does happen to them:

  1. Don’t give bullies what they want. When someone bullies another person, they are hoping for them to have a big reaction (such as becoming angry, upset, or emotional). If your child can learn to ignore a bully, the bully will be more likely to leave your child alone since they are not getting the reaction they are looking for. Even if your child feels hurt by the bullying (which is completely okay!), it’s best to make sure the bully thinks it is no big deal to them. If someone is saying nasty things about your child online, or sending them hurtful messages, they will be more likely to quit if your child does not respond to them.
  2. Encourage your child to spend time in safe spaces and with good people. Your child should try to find places where they feel safe and happy, and they should seek out people they like spending time with. If there are certain places where your child gets bullied a lot, they should try to stay away from those places. These could be real spaces, or virtual spaces- like a lunch table where they get picked on, or a social media site where they get bullied. This is an example of a time when avoidance is helpful and necessary to keep your child safe and well. Try to give your child chances to hang out in places where people share their interests and where people treat them well.
  3. Where is your child spending time? Pay attention to what your child is doing, and make sure they are not spending too much time in unsupervised spaces without responsible adults around. It is natural for older teens to push back on this as they gain independence, but if your child is struggling with bullies, it’s important to know where they are spending their time (including time spent on social media). The internet has given kids multiple ways to connect with others. This can be a great thing, but it can also provide more places for bullying to occur, so it’s important to have a really good idea of where and how your child is using the internet.
  4. Talk to someone about it. Your child doesn’t have to go through this alone or keep their feelings to themselves. If someone is bullying your child, it may help them to reach out to a friend, sibling, parent, teacher, or anyone else who they trust and who will be there for them. Let your child know that they can come to you if they are dealing with bullies.
  5. Get involved when bullies go too far. Everyone gets teased or picked on at some point, and it is important that your child figures out how to help themselves feel better when that happens. But if someone is picking on your child constantly, physically hurting them, or forcing them to do things they do not want to do (like making your child do their homework for them, or taking your child’s stuff), it is important to get involved to help the situation. You may also want to communicate with other adults in your child’s life, like their teachers. 
Next Page: Social Coaching