Kids deserve age-appropriate discussion about cancer

By Dipali Pathak

One of the toughest challenges for a parent diagonsed with cancer is telling their children about it. It's important that parents don't hide information from their children but rather talk to them in an age-appropriate manner, according to a Baylor College of Medicine expert.

"Kids have good intuition and know when something is wrong. Hiding this information from them may make them think they did something wrong or it's their fault," said Dr. Leng Bang, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at BCM.

It is OK to use the word "cancer" and even show them where the cancer is in the body, he said. Children often do better when they have the appropriate information. If they don't, they may make up their own explanations about why mom or dad has cancer, which can be more frightening than the truth. Reassure children that their behavior or their thinking did not cause the cancer. Let children know that they can not "catch" cancer.

"With very young kids, I would recommend saying that the parent is sick and that they are going through treatment. With older kids, you can talk to them about cancer and how the parent can get better," said Bang.

Talk about treatment

It's important not to give too much information, but also to communicate the plan, he said. Talk about what the treatment will be like and that there's a possibility that the parent's hair might fall out so children will anticipate what the parent might go through.

Knowing these possible outcomes will help children adjust to the changes they see with their parents. Have children participate in the treatment process if possible by giving them age-appropriate tasks, such as getting a glass of water or crossing out number of treatments left in a series of chemotherapy.

"One important thing is to be sure that the parent who has been diagnosed with cancer is coping well, because children will reflect their attitude. If the parent is positive and hopeful, the child will also be," said Bang.

Anxiety in children

Bang also suggests looking for signs that the child is having trouble coping with the situation. If the child is afraid of going to school and leaving the parent alone, or reflecting symptoms similar to what the parent is going through, it may be time to seek help from a mental health professional.

"It's important to keep an eye out for signs of anxiety and depression," he said.

It's not necessary to talk about death and dying unless it's a serious possibility, Bang advised.

"Younger kids don't know that death is permanent and may not understand, but older children may recognize this," said Bang. "It's important to sit with your kids and listen to their worries and their fears."

Encourage children to express their feelings, even uncomfortable ones, he said. And reassure children that someone will always be there to take care of them. Continue to maintain open communication with children as much as possible.